On The Divorce

LET THEM FIGHT THEIR OWN FIGHTS.
Let the grown ups fight their own fights and clean up their own messes because they created the mess. Don't waste time feeling guilty or worried about the grown ups. They made the choices that led to this situation so it is okay that they are unhappy. Sometimes it takes a whole lot of unhappiness to make people uncomfortable enough (to push them) to learn the lessons they need to learn in this life & for them to take responsibility for their actions.

HOW YOU FEEL IS SEPARATE FROM HOW THEY FEEL
Separate yourself and how you feel about each of your parents from the negative things they may say about each other.  The relationship between Mom & Dad is completely different & completely separate from your relationship with each of your parents. Mom often seems to feel that people are doing things intentionally to hurt her (which, in my experience, has almost never been the case) & she also seems to feel that her children should dislike those that she dislikes (or that dislike her)--even when that person is their father (or their brother or sister).  I've learned, as an adult, that Mom felt this way about my biological dad and she took us from him/poisoned us against him with her ugly, untrue stories. It was incredibly confusing & hurtful to grow up that way, but what I've learned from that is that we should always give people back their own messes--let her thoughts be her thoughts. If you love your dad (& mom doesn't) that doesn't make you a bad kid or a bad person.
This is something I've learned through making this mistake. Growing up I took on Mom's feelings & assumed what she told me was true. I was angry at the people she was angry at and I was fiercely protective of her. One of the (many) problems with this was that in relationships we have ups & downs.  During the down times in Mom's relationship with Dad she would tell me awful stories about him.  Later they would make up, but I couldn't let these things go.  I believed her exaggerations and the things she would say when she was angry at Dad & I held onto this.  Because of this, I was unable to give Dad a fair chance to be my dad.  Dad & I have talked about this after he & Mom got divorced and he still loves me/doesn't hold it against me.  I feel very grateful to him for this gift because I lashed out at him in many ways during the time that I didn't yet know how to separate Mom's feelings from my own.  I wish, though, that I would've learned how to do this (and how to accept Dad) much earlier because I missed out on a lot. It is so important to have a good dad in your life and my life has gotten much better since I have been able to spend time with and talk to Dad.
Anything bad you hear or that you think might have happened--try to ignore it all as much as possible. All the negative situations you see are almost always a miscommunication. One person only sees their side of the story, but at the end of the day that's not your problem to deal with.  It's their story--not yours. Push that negative out of your head. Remind yourself often that it is not your job to worry about any of it and that it probably isn't the full truth anyways.

THE SCHEDULE
Try to stick to the visitation schedule even if, at the time, you want to be somewhere else. Later you will be glad that you spent that time with each of your parents. In many divorces the dads aren't seen as equal and aren't given an equal amount of time with their children. This isn't fair--especially in our case. Dad loves you so much and he wants to be a part of all parts of your life. I was old enough to remember when each of you were born and I remember how much Dad wanted each of you and how happy he was (and is) to be a dad.

ADULTS & MISTAKES & BEING FED UP
It seems like adults have had all this time to grow up and to learn how to do the right thing, but the truth is that adults are still learning and they mess things up often. It's best to let go of their mistakes and focus on the positive. But...we're human, so when you do get too fed up (which is normal), make sure you express (nicely if possible) how you feel. Tell people you need a break or that you need some time to yourself. Better yet, tell people what specifically is upsetting you. They may not always listen, but give them the opportunity to hear you.

FINAL THOUGHTS
This divorce thing is something that I have the least amount of answers about. A lot of times I'm confused and I'm not sure of what the right thing to do is. I try to not let anyone else's opinions influence me and I try to figure out how I feel. Then, I go with my heart/my instinct. If it ends up that I made a mistake, I admit it, learn from it, & use it to do better next time.

Main Message: 
What I most want you to know is that it doesn't matter what the grown ups think about each other--they all love you. When you're feeling sad or angry, remember how many people truly love you. 


Love, 
Sissy