Don't Hang Out on a Sinking Ship

DON'T HANG OUT ON A SINKING SHIP
We have big hearts in this family. This is one of the things I love so much about us 5--I love that we open up, say what we feel, and that we love the hell out of those closest to us.  This trait is generally positive, but can become a problem at times so it's something to be aware of. Our big hearts often have us wanting to fix things, fix people, help people, take away sadness, etc. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be there for others. We often think that being there for other people no matter what is the right thing to do. One of the most surprising lessons I've learned in life is that this is not true. I thought running to the rescue of those around me was the right thing to do and it often was not!
I assumed that if others were asking for help, they must really need it because I know how hard it is for me to reach out for help and how much I dislike doing it. I have learned that many (most?) people apparently do not find it difficult to ask others for things like I do and will do it often (and will do it more often the more you run to their rescue). It took me many years of sacrificing myself or what I was doing to figure out that I wasn't doing myself or the other person any favors.  Sometimes people need to be left on their own to be forced to figure things out. At the time this might seem mean to leave them "stranded", but in the long run they will feel more capable and confident in themselves if they solve the situation rather than needing someone else to do it for them.
There are some people that always seem to have some type of dramatic crisis going on in their lives and it is usually these people that look to others instead of finding the strength in themselves to deal with the issues on their own. These people suck the life and energy right out of us because no matter how much we give there will always be another situation where they need us again--until they are forced to stand on their own two feet. Sometimes dropping people on their butts is the most loving thing we can do. They might be angry at us in the short term, but what we are saying to them is that we believe they are smart enough and capable enough to figure this out for themselves. It helps them to stop feeling like a victim and to realize they have control over more of their life than they think they do. If we constantly swoop in and save the people around us, we are robbing them of the chance to feel confident in themselves and safe in the world. We are robbing them of the chance to make real and permanent changes.
Sometimes what looks like the most noble or good thing to do isn't good at all. In some cases we need to pause and think further into the future. Sure, we could make a friend stop crying right now, but if we let them be a little sad and uncomfortable instead of solving their problem for them they may be able to live an entire lifetime where they have the tools to make themselves feel better (instead of constantly needing others to do that for them).

How do we know when to drop someone we love on their butt?
It can be confusing and difficult to know when we should help someone and when we should let them help themselves. How do we know the different between being a good friend/being there for a friend and doing too much for someone who needs practice standing on their own two feet?
The answer is: How do you feel?
Listen to how you feel.  Pay attention to what your body tells you. During or after being with that person, how do you feel? Do you feel tired? sad? uneasy? angry? unhappy? etc.? Do you have a headache? trouble sleeping? Do you have trouble turning your thoughts about the situation off? These are all signals that something isn't right. A healthy relationship is one where you feel better (or at least not worse) after being around the person. Even if you're dealing with sad news with a good friend, you end up feeling better than you did before talking to them. You want your life to be filled with balanced relationships where you both are happier because you know the other person.

Main Message:
There is a difference between being there for someone & solving their problems for them. You can be there to offer love & support, but it is our job to solve our own problems. If there is a relationship in your life that is constantly asking more of you than you have to give--reevaluate it & decide whether it's worth keeping or whether you both might be better off if you spent more time apart. Sometimes people need to be dropped on their butt so that they have the opportunity to get back up and stand on their own two feet.