DON'T HANG OUT ON A SINKING SHIP
We have big hearts in this family. This is one of the things I love so much about us 5--I love that we open up, say what we feel, and that we love the hell out of those closest to us. This trait is generally positive, but can become a problem at times so it's something to be aware of. Our big hearts often have us wanting to fix things, fix people, help people, take away sadness, etc. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be there for others. We often think that being there for other people no matter what is the right thing to do. One of the most surprising lessons I've learned in life is that this is not true. I thought running to the rescue of those around me was the right thing to do and it often was not!
I assumed that if others were asking for help, they must really need it because I know how hard it is for me to reach out for help and how much I dislike doing it. I have learned that many (most?) people apparently do not find it difficult to ask others for things like I do and will do it often (and will do it more often the more you run to their rescue). It took me many years of sacrificing myself or what I was doing to figure out that I wasn't doing myself or the other person any favors. Sometimes people need to be left on their own to be forced to figure things out. At the time this might seem mean to leave them "stranded", but in the long run they will feel more capable and confident in themselves if they solve the situation rather than needing someone else to do it for them.
There are some people that always seem to have some type of dramatic crisis going on in their lives and it is usually these people that look to others instead of finding the strength in themselves to deal with the issues on their own. These people suck the life and energy right out of us because no matter how much we give there will always be another situation where they need us again--until they are forced to stand on their own two feet. Sometimes dropping people on their butts is the most loving thing we can do. They might be angry at us in the short term, but what we are saying to them is that we believe they are smart enough and capable enough to figure this out for themselves. It helps them to stop feeling like a victim and to realize they have control over more of their life than they think they do. If we constantly swoop in and save the people around us, we are robbing them of the chance to feel confident in themselves and safe in the world. We are robbing them of the chance to make real and permanent changes.
Sometimes what looks like the most noble or good thing to do isn't good at all. In some cases we need to pause and think further into the future. Sure, we could make a friend stop crying right now, but if we let them be a little sad and uncomfortable instead of solving their problem for them they may be able to live an entire lifetime where they have the tools to make themselves feel better (instead of constantly needing others to do that for them).
How do we know when to drop someone we love on their butt?
It can be confusing and difficult to know when we should help someone and when we should let them help themselves. How do we know the different between being a good friend/being there for a friend and doing too much for someone who needs practice standing on their own two feet?
The answer is: How do you feel?
Listen to how you feel. Pay attention to what your body tells you. During or after being with that person, how do you feel? Do you feel tired? sad? uneasy? angry? unhappy? etc.? Do you have a headache? trouble sleeping? Do you have trouble turning your thoughts about the situation off? These are all signals that something isn't right. A healthy relationship is one where you feel better (or at least not worse) after being around the person. Even if you're dealing with sad news with a good friend, you end up feeling better than you did before talking to them. You want your life to be filled with balanced relationships where you both are happier because you know the other person.
Main Message:
There is a difference between being there for someone & solving their problems for them. You can be there to offer love & support, but it is our job to solve our own problems. If there is a relationship in your life that is constantly asking more of you than you have to give--reevaluate it & decide whether it's worth keeping or whether you both might be better off if you spent more time apart. Sometimes people need to be dropped on their butt so that they have the opportunity to get back up and stand on their own two feet.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Baggage & Hope
BAGGAGE & HOPE
Everyone gets hurt at some time in their lives. Most of us get hurt quite a few times. The people I admire most are the people who get back up every time they get knocked down. But, it's more than just getting back up. The people I admire most are the ones that get up, shake it off, let go of negativity, and move forward hopeful. Some people might think it's naive or childlike to continuously believe life can be great. They might say you shouldn't get your hopes up. Do not listen to these people! Hope has given many people the strength to do some really extraordinary things. There have been many situations in history where most people believed the circumstances were hopeless. When we are hopeless, we have given up, and nothing changes if we give up.
Look for positive examples around you and use their strength to remind yourself that you can act similarly in situations large & small. Nelson Mandela, the South African president/political leader, is a great example of someone who maintained hope in times when many others would've given up. Nelson Mandela spoke out against racism in his country and fought for change, but put in prison for 20+ years for this (they didn't have freedom of speech laws like we do in the U.S.). He spent his time in prison being hopeful, working for change, and educating himself despite being told he'd never be released. Not only was Nelson Mandela eventually released, but he used his knowledge to become president of South Africa. He is one of the most respected people in history and I am inspired by his unwavering hope. He believed. If he can stay hopeful, in prison, separated from his family, for all of those years then I can stay hopeful and positive through any situation in life my life.
But remember that there are two types of people in life. There are those who strive to be positive and hopeful and who work to learn & grown, but there are also the people who have been hurt and they get angry and stay stuck there. Then, they go out into the world all types of pissed off, with a chip on their shoulder, always looking for the negative in a situation. It almost seems like they want to be angry! While they are out in the world, being angry, being stuck, they lash out and hurt other people. Stay away from these people! Sometimes they're easy to spot--very angry, always picking fights, but other times it can be harder. They can also appear sad, hurt, and depressed and can often have you feeling sorry for them. These people are just as "stuck" as the angry people and will drag you down with them just like an angry person will. It can be easy to want to help these people and to get sucked into their lives, but be very careful about spending your energy on people who don't want to help themselves. It's a losing fight.
Main Message:
We all have "baggage"--old hurts that are a part of who we are. We can either use our baggage as an excuse to be miserable and negative or we can learn from those wounds and move forward, using our baggage to our advantage.
Everyone gets hurt at some time in their lives. Most of us get hurt quite a few times. The people I admire most are the people who get back up every time they get knocked down. But, it's more than just getting back up. The people I admire most are the ones that get up, shake it off, let go of negativity, and move forward hopeful. Some people might think it's naive or childlike to continuously believe life can be great. They might say you shouldn't get your hopes up. Do not listen to these people! Hope has given many people the strength to do some really extraordinary things. There have been many situations in history where most people believed the circumstances were hopeless. When we are hopeless, we have given up, and nothing changes if we give up.
Look for positive examples around you and use their strength to remind yourself that you can act similarly in situations large & small. Nelson Mandela, the South African president/political leader, is a great example of someone who maintained hope in times when many others would've given up. Nelson Mandela spoke out against racism in his country and fought for change, but put in prison for 20+ years for this (they didn't have freedom of speech laws like we do in the U.S.). He spent his time in prison being hopeful, working for change, and educating himself despite being told he'd never be released. Not only was Nelson Mandela eventually released, but he used his knowledge to become president of South Africa. He is one of the most respected people in history and I am inspired by his unwavering hope. He believed. If he can stay hopeful, in prison, separated from his family, for all of those years then I can stay hopeful and positive through any situation in life my life.
But remember that there are two types of people in life. There are those who strive to be positive and hopeful and who work to learn & grown, but there are also the people who have been hurt and they get angry and stay stuck there. Then, they go out into the world all types of pissed off, with a chip on their shoulder, always looking for the negative in a situation. It almost seems like they want to be angry! While they are out in the world, being angry, being stuck, they lash out and hurt other people. Stay away from these people! Sometimes they're easy to spot--very angry, always picking fights, but other times it can be harder. They can also appear sad, hurt, and depressed and can often have you feeling sorry for them. These people are just as "stuck" as the angry people and will drag you down with them just like an angry person will. It can be easy to want to help these people and to get sucked into their lives, but be very careful about spending your energy on people who don't want to help themselves. It's a losing fight.
Main Message:
We all have "baggage"--old hurts that are a part of who we are. We can either use our baggage as an excuse to be miserable and negative or we can learn from those wounds and move forward, using our baggage to our advantage.
Brothers & Sisters
BE GOOD TO YOUR BROTHERS & SISTERS
Your brothers and sisters have been with you through life's major events and through the day to day. They know you better than anyone else. When most other people are gone your brothers and sisters are still with you. Be patient with your siblings and give them a break when they need it. Be there when they need someone to give them a hug. Let them know, in some way, that you love them.
Main Message:
Be good to your siblings--they know all your secrets! hahaha :) <3
Your brothers and sisters have been with you through life's major events and through the day to day. They know you better than anyone else. When most other people are gone your brothers and sisters are still with you. Be patient with your siblings and give them a break when they need it. Be there when they need someone to give them a hug. Let them know, in some way, that you love them.
Main Message:
Be good to your siblings--they know all your secrets! hahaha :) <3
Say It!
SAY WHAT YOU FEEL
Think before you speak--that's always a good plan. Then, when you're more sure of how you feel, say it! You want people around you that accept you for who you truly are and the people around you can't know who you are unless you tell them/show them. If there are people around you who get angry with you for your feelings, then they aren't the right match for your life. Anyone who really loves you will want to hear your thoughts and will want to understand you (even when they feel differently than you do).
DON'T HOLD IT IN
If you fill a balloon up too much, it pops. You don't need to pop! There are people who want to hear/listen to you. Besides, you might think you're holding it in when something is bothering you, but those closest to you know when something is wrong. Give them the chance to be there for you. They can't help you if you don't give them the details!
Think before you speak--that's always a good plan. Then, when you're more sure of how you feel, say it! You want people around you that accept you for who you truly are and the people around you can't know who you are unless you tell them/show them. If there are people around you who get angry with you for your feelings, then they aren't the right match for your life. Anyone who really loves you will want to hear your thoughts and will want to understand you (even when they feel differently than you do).
DON'T HOLD IT IN
If you fill a balloon up too much, it pops. You don't need to pop! There are people who want to hear/listen to you. Besides, you might think you're holding it in when something is bothering you, but those closest to you know when something is wrong. Give them the chance to be there for you. They can't help you if you don't give them the details!
Filling Ourselves Up
FILLING OURSELVES UP
There are so many unhealthy ways that we all try to distract ourselves from unhappiness. Some people overwork and push themselves way too hard. They never stop and enjoy what they've accomplished. This is unhealthy, even though it can often appear (to ourselves & to others) that this is good behavior. It often looks like dedication or determination or hard work. Balance is key. You do not need to push yourself so hard that you don't have time to care for yourself, to relax, to be happy. Give yourself time to be proud of who you are and where you're at. I don't know how to always be happy. I'd be rich if I did! I do know that it is much better to sit still, to talk with people you trust, and to try to figure out why you are upset. Once you figure out what is really bothering you, you can come up with a plan on dealing with it. When we distract ourselves temporarily using things like work or drugs/alcohol life turns into a roller coaster. A roller coaster might be exciting for about 30 seconds, but if you ride it for a year, you'll probably puke and end up with some serious brain damage!
OUT OF OUR CONTROL
There are times when we can take action to fix what is broken, but there are also times where what is bothering us is out of our control. What do we do if we can't fix the situation? This is a question that is really hard for me to answer. I want to fix all the things that make you sad. I want to protect you and keep you safe from anything that will, even for a second, hurt you. This was easier when you were a tiny baby and all it took to fix things was to scoop you up and hug you. As you get older, you must live life and I know you can't properly live life if your big sis follows you around scooping you up & hugging you every time something doesn't go well. (That would look very funny and you'd probably have less friends than you do now!)
So if I'm being honest with you, which I always will be, I'm not entirely sure yet what you do when faced with a situation you can't control or fix. My mind knows some situations are out of my control, but my heart isn't as rational. My heart wants to move mountains, walk through fire, jump off a cliff to protect you. So I'll tell you honestly that this is an area that I'm still working on myself. There are 4 things I've found helpful:
1) Let Go
Take deep breaths and have faith that most people are good, smart, & strong. Whoever you are worried about will be okay and you'll be there to love them when they're not okay.
2) Be There & Let Others Be There
It is important that we love each other unconditionally and that we give the people strength when they need it. It is equally important that we let other people take care of us when we need it. Letting people in helps you because you give yourself a chance to be loved and cared for. It also helps the person caring for you. When you take care of someone, you feel good that you were able to help. When you let someone care for you, you are giving them the chance to feel good/helpful/in control/useful.
3) Forgive
Don't hold onto anger. Be angry, get it out, let it go. Don't get stuck in it--living life angry only hurts you. *Note: Just because you forgive someone and aren't angry with them does not mean you think what they did was right & it does not mean you have to jump back into a bad situation.
4) Give Yourself a Break
Remind yourself to take care of yourself. You can't fix everything and that is okay--it's just a fact of life. Let yourself be calm and happy. Worrying never does anything positive for a situation or the worrier.
Main Message:
Unhappiness is a natural part of life and it's often there to teach us something. Instead of distracting ourselves from the happiness, we should look at it more closely and figure out what it's trying to show us/teach us. Take action when you can & let go when there is no action that can be taken.
Acknowledge the things that make you special & don't distract yourself with temporary nonsense. Those things aren't real.
There are so many unhealthy ways that we all try to distract ourselves from unhappiness. Some people overwork and push themselves way too hard. They never stop and enjoy what they've accomplished. This is unhealthy, even though it can often appear (to ourselves & to others) that this is good behavior. It often looks like dedication or determination or hard work. Balance is key. You do not need to push yourself so hard that you don't have time to care for yourself, to relax, to be happy. Give yourself time to be proud of who you are and where you're at. I don't know how to always be happy. I'd be rich if I did! I do know that it is much better to sit still, to talk with people you trust, and to try to figure out why you are upset. Once you figure out what is really bothering you, you can come up with a plan on dealing with it. When we distract ourselves temporarily using things like work or drugs/alcohol life turns into a roller coaster. A roller coaster might be exciting for about 30 seconds, but if you ride it for a year, you'll probably puke and end up with some serious brain damage!
OUT OF OUR CONTROL
There are times when we can take action to fix what is broken, but there are also times where what is bothering us is out of our control. What do we do if we can't fix the situation? This is a question that is really hard for me to answer. I want to fix all the things that make you sad. I want to protect you and keep you safe from anything that will, even for a second, hurt you. This was easier when you were a tiny baby and all it took to fix things was to scoop you up and hug you. As you get older, you must live life and I know you can't properly live life if your big sis follows you around scooping you up & hugging you every time something doesn't go well. (That would look very funny and you'd probably have less friends than you do now!)
So if I'm being honest with you, which I always will be, I'm not entirely sure yet what you do when faced with a situation you can't control or fix. My mind knows some situations are out of my control, but my heart isn't as rational. My heart wants to move mountains, walk through fire, jump off a cliff to protect you. So I'll tell you honestly that this is an area that I'm still working on myself. There are 4 things I've found helpful:
1) Let Go
Take deep breaths and have faith that most people are good, smart, & strong. Whoever you are worried about will be okay and you'll be there to love them when they're not okay.
2) Be There & Let Others Be There
It is important that we love each other unconditionally and that we give the people strength when they need it. It is equally important that we let other people take care of us when we need it. Letting people in helps you because you give yourself a chance to be loved and cared for. It also helps the person caring for you. When you take care of someone, you feel good that you were able to help. When you let someone care for you, you are giving them the chance to feel good/helpful/in control/useful.
3) Forgive
Don't hold onto anger. Be angry, get it out, let it go. Don't get stuck in it--living life angry only hurts you. *Note: Just because you forgive someone and aren't angry with them does not mean you think what they did was right & it does not mean you have to jump back into a bad situation.
4) Give Yourself a Break
Remind yourself to take care of yourself. You can't fix everything and that is okay--it's just a fact of life. Let yourself be calm and happy. Worrying never does anything positive for a situation or the worrier.
Main Message:
Unhappiness is a natural part of life and it's often there to teach us something. Instead of distracting ourselves from the happiness, we should look at it more closely and figure out what it's trying to show us/teach us. Take action when you can & let go when there is no action that can be taken.
Acknowledge the things that make you special & don't distract yourself with temporary nonsense. Those things aren't real.
Know You Are Enough
KNOW YOU ARE SPECIAL & GOOD ENOUGH
We all feel like we're not good enough sometimes and we all wish we could change certain things about ourselves. When those negative thoughts come, push their asses away! Replace them with positive, loving thoughts about yourself. We are so much harder on ourselves than we are on other people. When other people make mistakes, we try to make them feel better. We tell them we understand, that no one is perfect. Sometimes we tell them we love them and we tell them all the wonderful things we see in them (that they may not see themselves).
Why can't we tell ourselves these things?
We can & we must!
DANGER!
It is dangerous for anyone to walk around feeling like they aren't good enough. When we feel badly about ourselves that part of us wants to be happy & free, so we (often without realizing it) go through life looking for things to fix that unhappiness. Many times people try to fill up the unhappy parts with things that temporarily make them feel better or forget what's really bothering them. Unfortunately, things that distract you for that moment aren't usually the things that are actually good for you. These bad things let you escape from feeling sad for a very short amount of time, but leaving you feeling much worse later. You feel worse because your heart, your soul, your real self knows you deserve better. When we go down negative paths, we let ourselves down, and that hurts.
Sometimes people drink alcohol or use drugs so they can "tune out" for awhile. This doesn't work-it's a myth, a lie. Drugs & alcohol affect your brain & emotions in a 1,000 awful ways. They leave you depressed and out of control and they steal your power. So many awful things can happen if you're drunk or high and aren't able to take care of yourself. Often people use drugs/alcohol around friends and have a false sense of security believing that, if they are around people they know, they are safe. This is absolutely not true. It's not true because your friends are drunk/high too and they're often dealing with their own issues. Leaving control over your well-being to someone who is drunk/high/dealing with their own issues is a bad plan. Don't leave your life up to anyone other than you. No one has more to lose than you if something bad happens. Your friends might be great people and they might really care about you, but we are all human and we all make mistakes. Don't let anyone else be responsible for you. You be responsible for you.
Another thing that often happens in life when one is insecure/does not value the things about them that make them special is that they seek attention. Girls often seek attention from boys. Having a cute boy think you are gorgeous makes you feel great. That is fine. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone to know how special you are--as long as you know how special you are, so that if they take that praise away you aren't left feeling desperate, willing to do anything to get that feeling back. That's when I've seen girls do very foolish things. Remember that you should not have to do anything other than just be you to receive attention. There are millions of people out there. Don't waste time with the ones that notice you because your butt cheeks are hanging out of your shorts. You are more than a set of cute butt cheeks!
Main Message:
Know that the world is a better place just because you live in it & surround yourself with people who believe that too.
We all feel like we're not good enough sometimes and we all wish we could change certain things about ourselves. When those negative thoughts come, push their asses away! Replace them with positive, loving thoughts about yourself. We are so much harder on ourselves than we are on other people. When other people make mistakes, we try to make them feel better. We tell them we understand, that no one is perfect. Sometimes we tell them we love them and we tell them all the wonderful things we see in them (that they may not see themselves).
Why can't we tell ourselves these things?
We can & we must!
DANGER!
It is dangerous for anyone to walk around feeling like they aren't good enough. When we feel badly about ourselves that part of us wants to be happy & free, so we (often without realizing it) go through life looking for things to fix that unhappiness. Many times people try to fill up the unhappy parts with things that temporarily make them feel better or forget what's really bothering them. Unfortunately, things that distract you for that moment aren't usually the things that are actually good for you. These bad things let you escape from feeling sad for a very short amount of time, but leaving you feeling much worse later. You feel worse because your heart, your soul, your real self knows you deserve better. When we go down negative paths, we let ourselves down, and that hurts.
Sometimes people drink alcohol or use drugs so they can "tune out" for awhile. This doesn't work-it's a myth, a lie. Drugs & alcohol affect your brain & emotions in a 1,000 awful ways. They leave you depressed and out of control and they steal your power. So many awful things can happen if you're drunk or high and aren't able to take care of yourself. Often people use drugs/alcohol around friends and have a false sense of security believing that, if they are around people they know, they are safe. This is absolutely not true. It's not true because your friends are drunk/high too and they're often dealing with their own issues. Leaving control over your well-being to someone who is drunk/high/dealing with their own issues is a bad plan. Don't leave your life up to anyone other than you. No one has more to lose than you if something bad happens. Your friends might be great people and they might really care about you, but we are all human and we all make mistakes. Don't let anyone else be responsible for you. You be responsible for you.
Another thing that often happens in life when one is insecure/does not value the things about them that make them special is that they seek attention. Girls often seek attention from boys. Having a cute boy think you are gorgeous makes you feel great. That is fine. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone to know how special you are--as long as you know how special you are, so that if they take that praise away you aren't left feeling desperate, willing to do anything to get that feeling back. That's when I've seen girls do very foolish things. Remember that you should not have to do anything other than just be you to receive attention. There are millions of people out there. Don't waste time with the ones that notice you because your butt cheeks are hanging out of your shorts. You are more than a set of cute butt cheeks!
Main Message:
Know that the world is a better place just because you live in it & surround yourself with people who believe that too.
On The Divorce
LET THEM FIGHT THEIR OWN FIGHTS.
Let the grown ups fight their own fights and clean up their own messes because they created the mess. Don't waste time feeling guilty or worried about the grown ups. They made the choices that led to this situation so it is okay that they are unhappy. Sometimes it takes a whole lot of unhappiness to make people uncomfortable enough (to push them) to learn the lessons they need to learn in this life & for them to take responsibility for their actions.
HOW YOU FEEL IS SEPARATE FROM HOW THEY FEEL
Separate yourself and how you feel about each of your parents from the negative things they may say about each other. The relationship between Mom & Dad is completely different & completely separate from your relationship with each of your parents. Mom often seems to feel that people are doing things intentionally to hurt her (which, in my experience, has almost never been the case) & she also seems to feel that her children should dislike those that she dislikes (or that dislike her)--even when that person is their father (or their brother or sister). I've learned, as an adult, that Mom felt this way about my biological dad and she took us from him/poisoned us against him with her ugly, untrue stories. It was incredibly confusing & hurtful to grow up that way, but what I've learned from that is that we should always give people back their own messes--let her thoughts be her thoughts. If you love your dad (& mom doesn't) that doesn't make you a bad kid or a bad person.
This is something I've learned through making this mistake. Growing up I took on Mom's feelings & assumed what she told me was true. I was angry at the people she was angry at and I was fiercely protective of her. One of the (many) problems with this was that in relationships we have ups & downs. During the down times in Mom's relationship with Dad she would tell me awful stories about him. Later they would make up, but I couldn't let these things go. I believed her exaggerations and the things she would say when she was angry at Dad & I held onto this. Because of this, I was unable to give Dad a fair chance to be my dad. Dad & I have talked about this after he & Mom got divorced and he still loves me/doesn't hold it against me. I feel very grateful to him for this gift because I lashed out at him in many ways during the time that I didn't yet know how to separate Mom's feelings from my own. I wish, though, that I would've learned how to do this (and how to accept Dad) much earlier because I missed out on a lot. It is so important to have a good dad in your life and my life has gotten much better since I have been able to spend time with and talk to Dad.
Anything bad you hear or that you think might have happened--try to ignore it all as much as possible. All the negative situations you see are almost always a miscommunication. One person only sees their side of the story, but at the end of the day that's not your problem to deal with. It's their story--not yours. Push that negative out of your head. Remind yourself often that it is not your job to worry about any of it and that it probably isn't the full truth anyways.
THE SCHEDULE
Try to stick to the visitation schedule even if, at the time, you want to be somewhere else. Later you will be glad that you spent that time with each of your parents. In many divorces the dads aren't seen as equal and aren't given an equal amount of time with their children. This isn't fair--especially in our case. Dad loves you so much and he wants to be a part of all parts of your life. I was old enough to remember when each of you were born and I remember how much Dad wanted each of you and how happy he was (and is) to be a dad.
ADULTS & MISTAKES & BEING FED UP
It seems like adults have had all this time to grow up and to learn how to do the right thing, but the truth is that adults are still learning and they mess things up often. It's best to let go of their mistakes and focus on the positive. But...we're human, so when you do get too fed up (which is normal), make sure you express (nicely if possible) how you feel. Tell people you need a break or that you need some time to yourself. Better yet, tell people what specifically is upsetting you. They may not always listen, but give them the opportunity to hear you.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This divorce thing is something that I have the least amount of answers about. A lot of times I'm confused and I'm not sure of what the right thing to do is. I try to not let anyone else's opinions influence me and I try to figure out how I feel. Then, I go with my heart/my instinct. If it ends up that I made a mistake, I admit it, learn from it, & use it to do better next time.
Main Message:
What I most want you to know is that it doesn't matter what the grown ups think about each other--they all love you. When you're feeling sad or angry, remember how many people truly love you.
Love,
Sissy
Let the grown ups fight their own fights and clean up their own messes because they created the mess. Don't waste time feeling guilty or worried about the grown ups. They made the choices that led to this situation so it is okay that they are unhappy. Sometimes it takes a whole lot of unhappiness to make people uncomfortable enough (to push them) to learn the lessons they need to learn in this life & for them to take responsibility for their actions.
HOW YOU FEEL IS SEPARATE FROM HOW THEY FEEL
Separate yourself and how you feel about each of your parents from the negative things they may say about each other. The relationship between Mom & Dad is completely different & completely separate from your relationship with each of your parents. Mom often seems to feel that people are doing things intentionally to hurt her (which, in my experience, has almost never been the case) & she also seems to feel that her children should dislike those that she dislikes (or that dislike her)--even when that person is their father (or their brother or sister). I've learned, as an adult, that Mom felt this way about my biological dad and she took us from him/poisoned us against him with her ugly, untrue stories. It was incredibly confusing & hurtful to grow up that way, but what I've learned from that is that we should always give people back their own messes--let her thoughts be her thoughts. If you love your dad (& mom doesn't) that doesn't make you a bad kid or a bad person.
This is something I've learned through making this mistake. Growing up I took on Mom's feelings & assumed what she told me was true. I was angry at the people she was angry at and I was fiercely protective of her. One of the (many) problems with this was that in relationships we have ups & downs. During the down times in Mom's relationship with Dad she would tell me awful stories about him. Later they would make up, but I couldn't let these things go. I believed her exaggerations and the things she would say when she was angry at Dad & I held onto this. Because of this, I was unable to give Dad a fair chance to be my dad. Dad & I have talked about this after he & Mom got divorced and he still loves me/doesn't hold it against me. I feel very grateful to him for this gift because I lashed out at him in many ways during the time that I didn't yet know how to separate Mom's feelings from my own. I wish, though, that I would've learned how to do this (and how to accept Dad) much earlier because I missed out on a lot. It is so important to have a good dad in your life and my life has gotten much better since I have been able to spend time with and talk to Dad.
Anything bad you hear or that you think might have happened--try to ignore it all as much as possible. All the negative situations you see are almost always a miscommunication. One person only sees their side of the story, but at the end of the day that's not your problem to deal with. It's their story--not yours. Push that negative out of your head. Remind yourself often that it is not your job to worry about any of it and that it probably isn't the full truth anyways.
THE SCHEDULE
Try to stick to the visitation schedule even if, at the time, you want to be somewhere else. Later you will be glad that you spent that time with each of your parents. In many divorces the dads aren't seen as equal and aren't given an equal amount of time with their children. This isn't fair--especially in our case. Dad loves you so much and he wants to be a part of all parts of your life. I was old enough to remember when each of you were born and I remember how much Dad wanted each of you and how happy he was (and is) to be a dad.
ADULTS & MISTAKES & BEING FED UP
It seems like adults have had all this time to grow up and to learn how to do the right thing, but the truth is that adults are still learning and they mess things up often. It's best to let go of their mistakes and focus on the positive. But...we're human, so when you do get too fed up (which is normal), make sure you express (nicely if possible) how you feel. Tell people you need a break or that you need some time to yourself. Better yet, tell people what specifically is upsetting you. They may not always listen, but give them the opportunity to hear you.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This divorce thing is something that I have the least amount of answers about. A lot of times I'm confused and I'm not sure of what the right thing to do is. I try to not let anyone else's opinions influence me and I try to figure out how I feel. Then, I go with my heart/my instinct. If it ends up that I made a mistake, I admit it, learn from it, & use it to do better next time.
Main Message:
What I most want you to know is that it doesn't matter what the grown ups think about each other--they all love you. When you're feeling sad or angry, remember how many people truly love you.
Love,
Sissy
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